Room 101

"I am intelligent, but I let myself down because I can't speak properly or spell."

Ok, here’s a quick summary of Jade’s career:
1) Eat lots and don’t exercise.
2) Apply for Big Brother.
3) Appear on Big Brother and reveal inconceivable stupidity.
4) Appear in various gossip magazines for being an idiot and doing nothing of note.
5) Release own perfume range, called Shh.
6) Try to run the marathon for the NSPCC without training.
7) Collapse.
8) Have lots of liposuction, so as to appear slightly less obese.
9) Release fitness video on how to lose weight through exercise.
10) Appear on Celebrity Big Brother.
11) Bully a fellow contestant and personally instigate a global race row.
12) Threaten diplomatic relations between Britain and India, prompting Britain’s future Prime Minister to apologise on behalf of the nation…

So what’s next for Ms Goody? I have a suggestion for her:
Go back to Essex and never leave your house again. Don’t even answer your phone. Drop all media commitments immediately and put your poor children up for adoption.

It was bad enough when she could be avoided by not reading utterly pointless magazines such as Heat or Now, but it is now getting out of control. I suppose I should direct my anger at those who watch Big Brother, buy Jade’s products and read about her terrible distress at being a fat racist. But, as any non-mute fire fighter will tell you, it is more effective to target the source.

It is probably only fair to give Jade the last word…

"Do they speak Portuganese in Portugal? I thought Portugal was in Spain."

Millions of people believe that these vague ramblings accurately predict their forthcoming affairs of the heart or workplace. It seems 'astrologers' throughout the land need only chuck in something about the moon or alignment and voila - another great day's work.

Here is my horoscope from today's Daily Mail:

Saturn around now can be a bit discouraging. So you have got to try and buck yourself up a little bit as Saturn may be succeeding in squelching feelings of warmth and tenderness and good fun. Certainly it won't be a good time for spending money, or indulging yourself. Aim towards hard work and self-discipline. Luckily you won't be headstrong or impulsive. You just want to nudge your life a little to make it more fun and much more challenging.

Pesky Saturn, squelching those feelings of warmth and good fun! This informative passage manages to support free will and then fate in consecutive sentences. It contradicts itself, let alone all the other horoscopes in today's other newspapers and magazines. And what's the central cosmic message? Work hard. Oh, and January isn't the best time to spend lots of money. Brilliant.

Anyone who reads horoscopes is an idiot and should be hit in the face with a mackerel, or similar.

Why the hell do people think you’ll be interested in their dreams? It usually goes something like this:

“Oh my God, I had the funniest dream last night! I was singing on stage with my sister, probably because I was watching X-Factor last night, and we were wearing these silly blue hats. And then I suddenly saw Mrs Watson - my primary school teacher - in the audience. And I was like, ‘what are you doing here’? Then we were back in school; except it didn’t look the same as my school because...”

I DON’T CARE - WHY THE HELL ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?

The content of other people's dreams is not only meaningless (don't try and tell me that if you dream about a bank it is a reflection of desires for financial security), but invariably includes people and places you don't know. If I could see the dream, that might be more bearable, but an audio account of someone else's subconcious is about as interesting as watching Big Brother.

It's enough to send anyone to sleep.