Room 101

Correct me if I'm wrong, but disabled parking spaces are pointless. I don't get it.

What condition do you have to be in that means you're disabled, but still able to drive?

You can't drive if you're blind.
You can't drive if you can't use your legs.
You can't drive if you can't use your arms.
You can't drive if you're mentally ill.

Any ideas?

Look, it's not rocket science. If you consume more calories than you burn off, you will put on weight.

You don't need to buy a Paul McKenna CD. You don't need to eat cereal and fruit for every meal. You don't need to cut out carbs. You don't need to buy celebrity magazines to find out the new miracle diet that helped Jennifer Aniston shed 8lbs in 10 minutes. You don't need to buy Davina McCall's Workout video.

Stop moaning about it. Just stop eating shit food. And exercise.

Utterly, utterly pointless. Don't you think that if I was going to trawl around town or scour the web for the best possible price on a product, then I'D DO IT BEFORE I BOUGHT IT, NOT AFTER!

Or do you think I'll buy some batteries from Argos and then:

1) think to myself "I wonder if they would have been cheaper at Dixons".
2) find out if they would have been cheaper at Dixons.
3) bother to go back to Argos with my receipt and demand the 5p difference.

Here's a fairly typical 'price promise' from Tesco:

Our Tesco VALUE price promise states that we will not be beaten on the price of our Value Brand products. We are so confident of our price position that we promise that, if a customer buys an equivalent product cheaper in another store within one mile of our store, we will refund the difference in price.

So not only do I have to find something cheaper within one mile of the store (where none of their competitors will be anyway), but even if I do find somewhere, there's no refund or compensation. All they'll do is charge me the same as the rival store as a one-off.

RIDICULOUS. NO-ONE BOTHERS DOING THIS SO STOP ADVERTISING IT!!!

What is it about departure lounges that make them the most angst ridden, stress inducing locations you will ever have the misfortune of finding yourself in?

I’ll tell you. It’s because Brits have the patience of a swarm of gnats when it comes to boarding aeroplanes. I must clarify here that I am referring, in the main, to the low-cost flight, which seemed such a good idea at the time but comes at a price – your sanity.

It’s an anomaly in a nation obsessed with unspoken rules of queuing for almost every other aspect of our lives. Indeed, we embrace the queue – it’s the one time you might hear us vocalise our annoyance if some daring punter tries his luck at pushing in. Put us in a departure lounge however, and all known etiquette is blown right out of the water. Even the pensioners become like a rabid pack of wolves on heat trying to race to the front of the departure gate, much to the visible fear of the air stewards, and it’s all so BLOODY INFURIATING!

Why? Because it is impossible not to become embroiled in the veritable stress fest yourself. Every time I reach that dreaded door I collect myself and think, ‘right girl, deep breath, this time just stay calm…you can rise above it’, etc. Then, feeling relieved to have found a seat, I of course make the inevitable mistake of looking up from my reading material, (which I can’t really concentrate on anyway for the perpetual fear running through me of missing an announcement about the departure gate being changed) to find a swarm of menacingly roving eyes getting ready to pounce on the first dare devil to make the slightest movement towards the gate. And as soon as they do utter carnage ensues.

Cue ruthless mob of charging skinheads being mowed down by a troop of middle-aged women using their hand baggage as battering rams. The hen party in matching pink cowboy hats and hot pants go in for the kill only to be restrained by one half of a Burberry clad couple with matching buggy, as the middle-class couple look on in horror and lament their decision to save a few bob on a cheap flight. I hate myself for doing it, but of course I join in, barging a few teenagers out of my path to secure my place in line. And all for the privilege of standing for about 40 minutes before having first dibs on where you sit on the plane. Because it’s so bloody important!

I blame Easy Jet for subjecting us to this wrath of mental anxiety and often physical pain. I mean, how easy would it be to just GIVE US SEAT NUMBERS?!

Chugger: Charity Mugger. One of those people who stands in the street with a big brightly-coloured bib and quite possibly a clipboard soliciting donations to the Feline Liberation Army or some other worthy cause.

First off - I have no problem with people informing me of their Charity and their Charity's work and then asking me to kindly donate, whether a fixed amount or a one off payment, to help them fund their cause. Charities have an important place in international society and I doff my cap to them sincerely.

It's hardly difficult to appreciate Charities.

It IS difficult to appreciate "Chuggers" - you know the ones - they seem to deliberately block your path, often attempting to link into your conversation with a friend, most likely with one of those "1, 2, 3 and…." type of phoney smiles and always with an intention of asking you to "spare a few minutes". Their Charities range from the Islamic Fundamentalist Movement to Help the Aged; everyone's bloody doing it!

What gets to me about Chuggers are their assumptions:

1) That I'm not in a manic rush to get to where I'm going;

2) That I don't mind having to pretend I'm unaware of their presence/on the phone/ in a manic rush, in order to avoid their hassles;

3) That they're allowed to bother me because it's all in the name of "Charity";

4) That they can play on other people's guilt; and

5) That I don't already give to the Charity about which they want to talk to me.

As some Confucius wannabe once said, "to assume makes an ass out of you and me" - even if you say it's for a "good cause".

And then there's the "fakeness"!

This morning - a girl asking me to donate to Meningitis Trust seemed to feel it relevant to stand there in full Minnie Mouse costume…why??? What the hell does Minnie Mouse have to do with Meningitis and helping those who suffer from it? Nout, nada, nothing! Then her friend came to my attention - painted purple! What colour do those who suffer from Meningitis turn at the worst point of their suffering...? Purple. Nice one, idiot!

The crux of it all is that a huge proportion of Chuggers are students who have done less research into the name on their "bibs" than Tony Blair did on WMDs in Iraq and they stand there simply for their £8 an hour fee from their recruitment agency - and then they have the cheek to guilt-trip, tut or insult anyone who attempts to dodge their advances!

I know they play their part in bringing in donations for Charities…I know that it's abhorrent to speak out against Charity-work…and I know that they can't be blamed for doing their jobs... but this is Room 101 - and they're f***ing annoying!!

These guys are ridiculous. In my experience, the services they provide include:

a) turning on the tap (without, I might add, knowledge of my water pressure preference)
b) pressing the top of the soap dispenser
c) handing me a paper towel
d) suggesting a fragrance that he feels might improve my chances with “the ladies”
e) singing (often the classic “One, two, freshen up. Three, four, freshen up…”)

Now, these are services which I am perfectly capable of performing myself, but most of the time they don’t even let you. They do everything for you (often slowly) and then look miffed when you don’t tip them. Surely this is an unreasonable arrangement. Even though I’d prefer for them not to bother me at all, they expect me to pay for the inconvenience!!! That’s like charging the recipient for sending them junk mail and, good people, we shouldn’t stand for it.

If I want some aftershave then fair enough, but I don’t. If I’ve just been sick or pissed all over the floor, sure, I’ll toss in a few quid. Do they even clean, though? Or do these places employ separate cleaners? If so, I bet the cleaners are unimpressed by this attendant-tipping malarkey.

The whole tipping thing is pretty strange anyway. Why are we expected to tip taxi drivers but not bus drivers? Why hairdressers but not physios? Why bathroom attendants but not receptionists? The situation seems to throw up too many judgement calls.

If I only have a £10 note in my wallet, I obviously can’t give the bathroom attendant that. If everyone did that they’d be millionaires. Should I explain the situation to him? Should I show him my inner-wallet contents as proof, or is that unnecessary? Is it reasonable to give him the £10 and take, say, £8 change out of the little tray? But, I’d have to make sure there was enough change in there first, which could be awkward if there wasn't.

On the other hand, what if I only have 50p? Is that too little? What about 10p? Is there a minimum price cut-off, beneath which it is simply offensive? Or is he going to be happy with anything? I suppose it partly rests on the quality of the bar/club/restaurant. Maybe if I only have a small amount of change I should conceal it as I put it quickly into the tray. But what if he has been keeping keen track of his earnings thus far and can tell immediately that his pot has only improved 17p? We’d both be humiliated.

What if I don’t have any money at all? Am I still allowed to pee? Should I pee but then not wash or dry my hands? If they talk to you should you talk back regardless of your tip-intention, or does a chat have a fee? Is it rude to ignore him completely, or would he rather that than wasting his energy on enthusiastic chat with a non-tipper?

Do you see my point? The potential Curb Your Enthusiasm moments are infinite.

I say scrap these ridiculous and troublesome jobs. Maybe instead they should employ a bathroom sage, to whom you can drunkenly turn for advice. Charging a set fee of £2 for a short consultation, he wouldn’t interfere with basic cleaning and grooming issues, and all would be well.

Let me first qualify this rant by granting a couple of exemptions. Firstly, I have no problem with people walking slowly if the place is not crowded, or if they can be easily circumvented (in a park, for example). Secondly, I realise that some - mainly old - people cannot walk quickly, and must therefore be accorded a degree of dispensation. However, even in this case it seems reasonable to expect ye of little speed to keep tight to the left hand side of the pavement, path or passage. If you’re driving the slowest on a motorway, you shouldn’t be in the middle lane (motorway drivers could be a rant on its own, incidentally), and surely the same principle should apply to pedestrians.

Anyway, I digress. My anger is mainly reserved for those who choose to walk ridiculously slowly and erratically. Walking in busy areas is a means to an end. Whether you’re on your way to Victoria tube station on a Monday morning or going shopping on Oxford Street on Saturday afternoon, there is no need to walk slowly. Hurry the fuck up!!! Get to wherever you’re going early and then you can chill out and have a Kit Kat - which, let’s face it, you’ll probably take about 20 minutes to eat anyway.

The worst offenders compound their dawdling with further stupidity and 3 such breeds need to be named and shamed:

1) Those who actually stop for no apparent reason, and with no warning, in the middle of a busy street.

2) Those who walk side by side in a group of 3 or more [this craze is particularly popular with tourists and 16 year old Goths].

3) Those who walk painfully slowly dragging “death trap” luggage bags slowly behind them [often spotted in crowded train stations].

It shortens your life.
You’re more likely to get chronic bronchitis, emphysema, heart attacks, coronary diseases, stomach ulcers, peripheral vascular disease, and cancer of the lung, throat, mouth, bladder, kidney, pancreas, cervix or stomach.
You smell bad.
It’s a waste of money.
You can’t run / play sport properly.
You have a cough.
You have shit skin, a puckered mouth and will end up covered in wrinkles.
Your teeth, nails and tongue are yellow.
It can cause impotence and infertility.
If you do manage to have children, your smoking will slowly kill them.

Apart from that, though, it’s a pretty good idea.

It’s the passive smoking that really pisses me off. If smokers just all got together and sat in a smoke-filled sealed room and waited for their bodies to decompose, then that would be ok. But I doubt they’d go for it.

Smokers like the argument that it’s their choice and often point out that they don’t stop anyone else from drinking. Sure, but I think they might be a bit peeved if I stood next to them at the bar and poured some of my beer all over them and down their throat. Idiots. Second-hand smoke causes thousands of deaths every year and about half of children in Britain grow up in homes where at least one parent smokes. How crazy is that?

I suppose it’s keeping evolution going. We’re now able to cure almost every natural disease and affliction, in Western society at least, so it’s no longer a case of survival of the fittest, but survival of everyone (fit or otherwise). Smoking is fighting back, like a health tax on the stupid, and the stupid’s family and friends.

But you’re not really addicted and you’re going to quit soon anyway right?

Formula 1 is a waste of time. Firstly, it's unbelievably boring. The fact that people voluntarily give up whole afternoons to watch cars going quickly around a track on TV is incomprehensible enough, but thousands even go and watch it live! Please explain how this is significantly different from sitting by the side of a motorway. In fact, this would be better as it’s free and you’d get to see everything from Norbert Dentressangle lorries to motorbikes, and not just cars.

Secondly, it's not a sport. The races are won by the best cars and, whilst the top drivers are undoubtedly talented, it is dominated by money and by mechanics. This is not how sport is supposed to work. Is Roger Federer a brilliant tennis player because he has the best racket? Is Ronaldinho a brilliant footballer because he has the best boots? No, of course not. Because sport shouldn't be about the equipment, it should be about the application of human skill and endeavour. If you want to have a genuine competition, why not give every driver the same car?

Where's the variation? Every driver takes the same racing line and drives in exactly the same way. And where's the excitement? Every few hours one car overtakes another. Sometimes cars stop because there is something wrong with the engine. Wow, pass me the popcorn! The only real drama in Formula 1 is when there are potentially fatal crashes. That says it all really.

"Apparently, ring-a-ring-a-roses dates back to the 17th century. Apparently it's all about the plague: apparently the rings of roses are skin lesions, the first sign of infection; the posies are, apparently, doomed attempts to keep the illness at bay; the sneezing is the symptom of the advancing disease, apparently; and "all fall down" is, apparently, the impending death.......apparently"

Lies. The earliest recorded form of the rhyme is dated at 1790 and originated in Massachusetts - not too much bubonic plague there and then one assumes! It's just the lure of such an "obvious" fact is too much for most people to question.

How many times has someone told you a fact - qualifying it first, of course, with a cursory, "apparently"? Ranging from the trivial - "apparently it's going to snow next week" - to the academic - "apparently Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone" and even the personal - "apparently she's having an affair", it’s all inaccuracy, falsification, balderdash, fabrication...well, simply put, LIES! People use apparently-facts in order to achieve social-status-satisfaction, safe in the knowledge that they are 'doing their bit to fight against ignorance'...hmm...filling the world with dross more like!

It seems that anyone can get away with saying anything whatsoever by simply mitigating the lie with "apparently"! See how many of these "facts" someone's told you recently –

1) Apparently polar bears cover their noses when they go out to hunt
2) Apparently the lead in pencils is poisonous
3) Apparently you can see the Great Wall of China from the Moon
4) Apparently one 'human-year' equates to seven 'dog-years'
5) Apparently it isn't racist to call someone "the Indian" when referring to a house-mate.

Apparently...that's all bullshit!